I was hanging out in a kitchen with Kurt Vile's manager, whom I've never met in person and have no idea what he looks like... but in my dream he was a meathead.
We were talking about which episode of Family Ties was our favorite and how Alex P. Keaton was the only likable sitcom character of the 80s.
Weird.
Friday, 5 February 2010
Tuesday, 2 February 2010
Monday, 1 February 2010
A Shotgun Wedding With Actual Shotguns
I was at a wedding that was taking place in a bait and tackle shop in the middle of the woods.
Everyone was in camouflage, including the bride and rather than an open bar, we were resigned to score cans of Bud Light out of vending machines. The top button made the machine shoot out a cold beer. The bottom button gave you a frozen bag of bait.
After much wedding merriment, I went outside to find my car (which was the van I used to drive in high school) only to find it occupied by my uncle Timmy and his black lab Ralph (who died about ten years ago).
"Let's do this," Timmy said as he cracked open two more cans of beer.
I hoped in, put the van in Drive and began to pull away when a police officer -- who looked eerily similar to my 6th grade math teacher -- emerged from the woods.
"Hey! Wait!" he yelled. "I need help!!"
I stopped to see what was wrong and he began clenching his chest like he was having a heart attack.
"I can't breathe!" he said. "Give me some fucking Pepto Bismol!"
I had a bottle of Pepto tablets in the cup holder so Timmy shook two out and I handed them to the cop. He then fainted and fell in a heaped pile into the side of the van.
Rather than throw him in the back with Ralph, Timmy and I decided it would suffice to throw him over the driver's side door (as one would with a wounded soldier over a horse's back) and "just drive real slow" as Timmy said.
Weird.
Everyone was in camouflage, including the bride and rather than an open bar, we were resigned to score cans of Bud Light out of vending machines. The top button made the machine shoot out a cold beer. The bottom button gave you a frozen bag of bait.
After much wedding merriment, I went outside to find my car (which was the van I used to drive in high school) only to find it occupied by my uncle Timmy and his black lab Ralph (who died about ten years ago).
"Let's do this," Timmy said as he cracked open two more cans of beer.
I hoped in, put the van in Drive and began to pull away when a police officer -- who looked eerily similar to my 6th grade math teacher -- emerged from the woods.
"Hey! Wait!" he yelled. "I need help!!"
I stopped to see what was wrong and he began clenching his chest like he was having a heart attack.
"I can't breathe!" he said. "Give me some fucking Pepto Bismol!"
I had a bottle of Pepto tablets in the cup holder so Timmy shook two out and I handed them to the cop. He then fainted and fell in a heaped pile into the side of the van.
Rather than throw him in the back with Ralph, Timmy and I decided it would suffice to throw him over the driver's side door (as one would with a wounded soldier over a horse's back) and "just drive real slow" as Timmy said.
Weird.
Friday, 29 January 2010
The New York Mets, a rock wall and some dead alligators
I was at a Mets game in Ireland as they played the Phillies and instead of the relatively easily-to-jump outfield wall, this stadium was bordered by what had to be a 50 or 60 foot rock wall.
So instead of leaping up and snagging homers as they just past the wall, the outfielders had to climb up the rock wall and make their highlight reel-worthy catches from up there.
Luckily for the Mets, though, the frequently hit homers spent a few minutes up in the air and the athletic outfielders had ample time to climb the rock wall... of course, a few brave Mets fell to their deaths but I figured they were making millions of dollars while they were alive so I didn't feel too bad.
My date to the ballgame (whom I didn't recognize... but was very hot) came back from the concession stand with the brochure to a Honda Civic looking car, two Gatorades and a pair of preserved baby alligator heads.
Weird.
So instead of leaping up and snagging homers as they just past the wall, the outfielders had to climb up the rock wall and make their highlight reel-worthy catches from up there.
Luckily for the Mets, though, the frequently hit homers spent a few minutes up in the air and the athletic outfielders had ample time to climb the rock wall... of course, a few brave Mets fell to their deaths but I figured they were making millions of dollars while they were alive so I didn't feel too bad.
My date to the ballgame (whom I didn't recognize... but was very hot) came back from the concession stand with the brochure to a Honda Civic looking car, two Gatorades and a pair of preserved baby alligator heads.
Weird.
Thursday, 28 January 2010
Kate Winslet, Strapping Fieldhands, formal wear and a Walkman
(Side note: I wonder why the majority of my dreams are centered around celebrities.)
Kate Winslet and I were walking through a snowy forest on a very, very dark night. Apparently we had just come from a black-tie affair as I was tuxedoed and she was in a blue ball gown which had sparkles dotted across the chest and up the length of her elbow-high gloves.
She kept saying how she needed a new mixtape.
In the distance, I saw a Walkman sticking out of the notch in a tree.
"Jackpot!" I said.
"But Gene (for some reason, I was Gene), we don't have a TAPE!!!" Kate Winslet said... "but it's ok... I know a place where we can get great coffee," she added.
I followed Kate Winslet to a rotted, crumbling shack in a snow covered clearing. She told me that we had to be quiet because the shack belonged to Strapping Fieldhands and that we were gonna break in and get a mixtape.
I found a hammer on a pile of rubble and was about the smash the front window out when Kate Winslet collapsed to the ground, sobbing "I can't hear anything!!"
Weird.
Kate Winslet and I were walking through a snowy forest on a very, very dark night. Apparently we had just come from a black-tie affair as I was tuxedoed and she was in a blue ball gown which had sparkles dotted across the chest and up the length of her elbow-high gloves.
She kept saying how she needed a new mixtape.
In the distance, I saw a Walkman sticking out of the notch in a tree.
"Jackpot!" I said.
"But Gene (for some reason, I was Gene), we don't have a TAPE!!!" Kate Winslet said... "but it's ok... I know a place where we can get great coffee," she added.
I followed Kate Winslet to a rotted, crumbling shack in a snow covered clearing. She told me that we had to be quiet because the shack belonged to Strapping Fieldhands and that we were gonna break in and get a mixtape.
I found a hammer on a pile of rubble and was about the smash the front window out when Kate Winslet collapsed to the ground, sobbing "I can't hear anything!!"
Weird.
Wednesday, 27 January 2010
Tuesday, 26 January 2010
Todd and the Frat Boy
I was living in a frat house with my (real-life) co-worker and we were interviewing some potential new roommates.
I was showing some frat douche around our massive, yet massively trashed house when frat douche and I came upon Todd sitting in a recliner, watching a televised Pop Warner football game while wearing a karate outfit.
"Hey Todd, this dude's thinking about moving in here," I told him.
"Cool," Todd said without looking up from the television. "I'll be honest, I think you're a pretty awesome dude, but first let me show you some of my moves."
Todd then leaped from his recliner and into a fierce karate-attack stance. He then proceeded to show us the kicks, punches and blocks the he claimed made him a countywide karate icon.
Weird.
I was showing some frat douche around our massive, yet massively trashed house when frat douche and I came upon Todd sitting in a recliner, watching a televised Pop Warner football game while wearing a karate outfit.
"Hey Todd, this dude's thinking about moving in here," I told him.
"Cool," Todd said without looking up from the television. "I'll be honest, I think you're a pretty awesome dude, but first let me show you some of my moves."
Todd then leaped from his recliner and into a fierce karate-attack stance. He then proceeded to show us the kicks, punches and blocks the he claimed made him a countywide karate icon.
Weird.
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