A Shotgun Wedding With Actual Shotguns

I was at a wedding that was taking place in a bait and tackle shop in the middle of the woods.

Everyone was in camouflage, including the bride and rather than an open bar, we were resigned to score cans of Bud Light out of vending machines. The top button made the machine shoot out a cold beer. The bottom button gave you a frozen bag of bait.

After much wedding merriment, I went outside to find my car (which was the van I used to drive in high school) only to find it occupied by my uncle Timmy and his black lab Ralph (who died about ten years ago).

"Let's do this," Timmy said as he cracked open two more cans of beer.

I hoped in, put the van in Drive and began to pull away when a police officer -- who looked eerily similar to my 6th grade math teacher -- emerged from the woods.

"Hey! Wait!" he yelled. "I need help!!"

I stopped to see what was wrong and he began clenching his chest like he was having a heart attack.

"I can't breathe!" he said. "Give me some fucking Pepto Bismol!"

I had a bottle of Pepto tablets in the cup holder so Timmy shook two out and I handed them to the cop. He then fainted and fell in a heaped pile into the side of the van.

Rather than throw him in the back with Ralph, Timmy and I decided it would suffice to throw him over the driver's side door (as one would with a wounded soldier over a horse's back) and "just drive real slow" as Timmy said.

Weird.